22 but not 22. I think, this age, is a beautiful age. Even, balanced, sturdy. As if a symbolic on how my life at 22 will be. I feel free, calmer, yet bolder.
I have many fears. Including the type of fear that haunts and clings to me. Growing up, I tend to keep things to myself, and simply live, with a thousand and one ghost in my head. I lived in a cage I made by myself, for myself.
Little by little, as time goes by, I entered new surroundings, met new people, made new memories, obtained new responsibilities, and most importantly, discovered more of me.
I am a very blessed person. My parents, are the kindest. They stood by me, helped me, supported me, remained patient with me, and for me, I realize now, what really warmed me is the fact that they so readily admitted their faults, mistakes and weaknesses as parents and individuals. For me, I have never solely put the blame on these two gentle individuals who have raised me into who I am today, yet, even from the start, the moment they realize I had problems, I had depression, I had trust issues, they said sorry, and did their best to show me how much they love me, how much they want me to express more to them, and just, be happy.
“All mak ayah wants is for you to be happy. Be happy”
They, I believe, is the foundation for my liberation from depression, and a motivation for me to continue to do my best in everything I do. I want to make them happy, because as a sinful person, they are my temporary heaven that Allah SWT has bestowed on me. One day they will be gone, but when that day comes, I want to be able to look back and smile in gratitude. Alhamdulillah, is what I wish to say, whenever that day comes. For I wouldn’t know what I would become if it wasn’t for the love they wholeheartedly gave me. My beautiful parents. I am only 22 yet they have done so much for me. O Allah, how much time do I have left with them? Make me a daughter who will always bring a smile on their gentle faces. Please.
22.
2019.
Struck me as an intriguing phase. At least in what has happened in the past few months. I don’t even know how to best express what I’m feeling and thinking. I just, think what has happened is really really phenomenal. Allah’s plan is indeed beautiful. It’s true, all you need to do is always, always, do your best, always self-reflect, always keep to what’s right, never give up, and trust in Allah’s plan and the hikmah behind everything. When the time is right, it will come, and you will be more than ready for whatever is coming, because Allah knows you’re a better person now, calmer, more rationale, more capable, and equipped with what is needed to handle what you wished you could a year and two years before. Alhamdulillah. Allah is indeed the all-knower.
9th of March 2019.
Yesterday, I got the opportunity and blessing to attend Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan’s Miracles in Kuala Lumpur. I haven’t listened to him for a long time prior to the event, but I remember how much I love his youtube videos talking about the surahs and Arabic. I love how he took the Quran and shares it to the world in such an interesting and relatable way. As a person who loves language and stories, his way of teaching captured me and made me realize how beautiful the Quran and Islam is. May Allah grant him the highest paradise.
I remember sitting at my seat, 4throw from the front. I could clearly see his expressions, his gestures, the way he delivers his speech, and his radiant energy. I remember feeling slightly teary when he somehow spoke of things that I could relate to in my current life.
He was telling us the story of Nabi Musa A.S. and he was at the part where Allah SWT told Musa A.S. to go back to the nation which he ran away from. Ustaz Nouman said something along this line –
“Sometimes Allah help us get away from people (who are toxic to us, who we can do nothing to fix the situation or relationship, who continues to make us feel horrible, or abuse us), but when we are strong enough, He sends us back”
I personally felt that in my chest. That is exactly what happened in these past few months. Somehow, I am getting involved again, directly and indirectly, with groups/people whom I had issues with/made me feel useless, horrible, and depressed, groups/people whom I wished to work with but couldn’t in the past but couldn’t due to my principles and priorities. Bless be to Allah The Almighty, he led me to them, without my knowledge, and the timing couldn’t be more perfect.
You know when something affected you so badly, even seeing a hint of a name, or picture, or smell, or building, or even a shadow that gives a tiny whiff of the old memories, will propel you down into a self-torture state of “why” and guilt and a strong stench of being a loser, failure and a horrible person. You feel fake, dirty and miserable. Even just the tiniest trigger of memories could drag you back into the dark. This phase, is a long and tiring phase, which no one else knows nor understands. It’s you VS yourself. As always.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. At least now, I can say I’m free from two ghost. I might have other ghost within me, still clenching onto my heart, and clinging onto my cells, but at least, now, I feel much more lighter. Hey, I still have a lot of things I worry about, but freeing myself from those two ghost feels nice enough. Imagine if I can free myself from all the other ghost within me.
Insha Allah.
