Glasses

Beyond the smiling expression
I can’t see through to the truth
I’m fine just smiling along with you

Even if someone wrote me a hint
I can’t read it because it’s written too small
I can only start digging little by little
Still, I don’t want to wear glasses

Even if I open my eyes the entire day
I’m busy looking at all the things
That are so clear to see
I’m already tired from everything
I don’t need to see every small, black thought
I'm already tired from everything
I don't need to read all the fine print

I don’t want to wield a sword to find
The things you worked so hard to hide
I’m fine just getting fooled by you

Is there something behind the rainbow
It’s too far, I can’t see it
I can only imagine marvelous things
Still, I don’t want to wear glasses

Get tricked and deceived, but I still trust
I’m busy imagining and being disappointed
I’m already tired from everything
I don’t care to see your flaws

I’m already tired from everything
I don’t want to see too far
I’m already tired from everything
I’m not going to wear heavy glasses
I’m already tired from everything
I’m not going to wear square glasses

Credits to : IU

Why do you share?

"Why do you share?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you share your experiences with others? Why do you communicate with others? Why do you help others? Why do you go so far for something that is not yours? Why do you do all that?

"Why are you asking me all this?"

"Because I don't understand. I'm afraid. I'm petrified. Scared by the thought that one day, because I don't grasp and hold the reason as to why i'm sharing my life, myself, my spirit, with others..

I'll die.

Slowly, bit by bit. Unseen through the lenses but as solid as a rock.

What can I do by then?

All the things I shared, how can I know it'll be with me for good till the end?"




- To be continued -

The light beneath the leaves

"Hi. My name is Suiren. Please look after me."

"Hi. I'm Nur. Stands for light in arabic."

"Light? That's beautiful. My name stands for water lily in japanese."

"That's cool! Great to meet you water lily."

"You too light. You too."



"Suiren, I think you should use a lighter color for the leaves."

"Oh, I just felt like painting it lighter you see."

"but the forest is suppose to be dark in that area"

"yeah but it's not always dark isn't it?"



"They loved it Suiren. Great job!"

"Really?! It's all thanks to you Nur."

"Me? All I did was give ideas and fixed the colors. You did the important job."

"If it wasn't for your ideas and delicate touches, the painting wouldn't be the same Nur. Give yourself some credit will ya."

"Haha if you say so Suiren. Now let's get some treats to celebrate. I know just the right place."

"To the light!"



"Nur, I need to go home early today. Sorry."

"Huh. Oh sure Suiren. Our work is nearly done here anyway."

"Thanks Nur."

"Hey, why do you need to go back early by the way? Anything I can help?"

"Ah, I just need to do some errands. Thanks Nur."

"Stop thanking me Rainy."

"Whatever Sunlight."



"Hey Suiren, your paintings seems to be different lately. Is anything the matter?

"Different? Ah, I just wanted to explore different themes and colors."

"If you say so Sui Sui."



"Hey Nur. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Yeah?"

"It's nothing."



"Boss wants you to tone down on the colors."

"What colors?"

"The colors on your paintings idiot. You're using to much dark elements. Your drawings also seems to be, kinda shadowy? Even the character's shadows seems to be emphasized more. You changed, Suiren."

"It's just my paintings Nur. I'll fix it."



"Suiren, what's this? Are you sick?"

"What? Oh. That's my sister's. I went the pharmacy yesterday but i guess i forgot to pass it to her."

"Is your sister okay? This is anti-depressants isn't it?

"You sure don't miss a beat Nur. Don't worry, she's in great care."

"Good to hear that."



"Suiren. Is there anything you need to tell me?"

"Hmm?"

"Stop it Suiren. I know something's wrong with you."

"Nur, what do you mean? I'm fine you know."

"You don't have a sister Suiren."

"How did you.."

"Suiren. Please. I know what you're going through. Please Suiren."

"I'm fine Nur."



- To Be Continued -

Nobody Knows

Time will fix it, just forget about it 
Don’t say these things when you don’t get it 
It’s tough to pretend to have forgotten it all 
I wish I could show you so you would stop 

If it really were that easy 
I wouldn’t have called it love 
It could be erased, but I can’t do it 

Nobody knows, nobody knows 
It won’t happen, you can’t be erased 
Please stop, please stop 
Whatever you say, it won’t make me feel better 
So stop 

Love will fix it, just find someone else 
Don’t say these things when you don’t get it 
Tell me about that show you saw, or maybe a joke you know 
Then at least I could lie to myself and smile 

If it really were that easy 
I wouldn’t have called it love 
It could be erased, but I can’t do it 

Nobody knows, nobody knows 
It won’t happen, you can’t be erased 
Please stop, please stop 
Whatever you say, it won’t make me feel better 
So stop 

Can I put an end to this 
Can I finally rest 
Would that even be possible 
Can I love again 
I try to forget you every day 
Just to forget you’re not here to stay 
All that fades with time is your back walking away 

Nobody knows, nobody knows 
It won’t happen, you can’t be erased 
Please stop, please stop 
Whatever you say, it won’t make me feel better 

Nobody knows, nobody knows 
It won’t happen, you can’t be erased 
Please stop, please stop 
Whatever you say, it won’t make me feel better 
So stop 

Nobody knows

Credit : Standing Egg





Arts exist for the chaotic mind. Because there are things that cannot be expressed directly. Things such as the state of the mind. 

Hey you

Hey you,
yes you,

The one who keeps staring at the mirror trying to discern herself.

You.


You know what this world is about?
It's about tumbling down rocky ledges, trying to maintain a stable foothold.

It's about loosing your possessions and yourself along the way,
and then gets something better, more fitting, more you.

It's about walking through blizzards and deserts,
only to find that sometimes even sunlight can betray you.

It's about just pushing forward, even though you wished super hard for the world to stop.

To spare you, to let you figure out what time wants from you for awhile.

To discern what's going on exactly.

To wrap your fingers around the globe and feel it moves through your fingers.





Hey you,
you've been thinking haven't you?
you feel like you're back to zero don't you?

Come now,
it's okay to move slowly.

The rule for this life is to just, just move. It doesn't matter which path you decide to move to. At the very least in the end you can applaud yourself for actually attempting to move.

You know what differentiates a loser and a winner?
A loser stops and gives up forever while the winner might stop, might give up, for awhile, for a second, an hour, days, but eventually, the winner gets up, and moves with a steadier pace.

I know, it's difficult, to keep picking up your pace after days of building it.

but hey, trust yourself a little bit more and look around.

Will it be worth it if you stop?

Unplug

We're falling apart, still we hold together
We've passed the end, so we chase forever
'Cause this is all we know
This feeling's all we know

A world of happiness has layers.
Some find happiness beneath layers of sweat and blood
broken bones, broken hearts, broken souls
burned houses, washed out boats, weary eyes
salty tears, cracked voice, fragmented thoughts

yet, happiness still seeps through the disfigured cracks,

When one is wise enough to understand that there's always an unplug button somewhere beneath the thick gray dust.

An unplug button.

Zed's Rush Hour

This was written in my post-SPM year, with the intention to free my mind. 

Part 1 

You know how there are a thousand and one way to start a book? Or well, maybe more than a thousand one cause if there’s one thing in this world that is not and even if, is harder to be confined and constrained by any metal chains that exist in this world, is the mind.

Anyways my name is Zed. No I’m not a guy. The complete opposite gender if you may. My hobby is sitting at the ledge of any cliff with my legs dangling over it. I love the sweet soothing smell of the untouched air above the world. I love the feel of the fluttering wind taking a stroll around me. I love the comfort of being around grey stones and cheery greeneries, all natural zero plastic. I love the feeling of being isolated and away from earth destroyers down there in that steel and concrete skyscrapers city you see from here. I love how sitting on this rocky ledge fills me with ease and adrenaline at the same time. For the thought of peace and death surges through me every time I turn my eyes downward towards the misty landscape.

 So  anyways welcome to Misty Ledge.

 Here, no matter what time or day or year you decide to come, the view from up here will remain misty and mysterious. As if there’s a veil between reality and fantasy. Yet despite the mist and haziness, the shape and figures down there if you look carefully, remains vivid and clear. Only if you look thoroughly will you notice that the white sheet floating below obstructing your view hinders nothing at all except for your lone figure from below. I used to believe that the mist is like a guardian for those seeking for the best of both world. Those who wish for some lone time without completely hiding away from the metal and steel jungle. Those who wish to ponder over their cloudy thoughts in both the alluring invite of nature and the turbulent but enchanting contemporaries.

 The Misty Guardian. Gentle but definite.

*beep*

Ah, the sound of my watch indicating it’s about time to head for home. In other words, it’s time for me to return to my box like house right in the heart of the monstrous human made jungle. Right. I leap up from my sitting position despite knowing the danger of my actions but what is there to worry when if you worry over all the trivial and crucial things in this world, your life will be shrouded nothing but unease and misery. I inhale the crisp air around me and head home. One foot at a time, definitely not going to rush.

The reason why so many heart breaks, tears spill and fights break out are caused by plunging head on into something without proper thought. Being caught up and indulged by the heat of the moment, by the persuasive invincible particles gauging you towards  fire, you, too rushed to think.

Maybe not everything are rooted from rushing but hey, might as well ponder over that.

Hands in my pocket, sneakers now wet, I stepped further and further away from my haven and entered the reality. The place where people here mostly live to survive. People from beautifully carved locations and villages come to this concrete and steel jungle like ants attracted to a small cube of sugar. All crowding over it. It starts from one ant whom gave a signal to other ants and gradually, the cube becomes an overpopulated and overrated destination. Each ant wants a piece, but ants, they work together. They bring the sugar to their home, together, to feed their colony. Us, humans, we work for ourselves. We work to attain paper notes and jingling coins. Some to feed their family, some for their own entertainment, some for security against the fear of poverty. In short, they come here for survival. This looming 100 storeys high jungles.

After 20 minutes walking, I arrived to the place where humans run and sometimes they literally run, rushing. I can now hear what I did not hear on the ledge looking down at the serene view of this jungle which some refer as, city. I hear blaring ear defeaning honks, a buzz of different mixtures of voices, the sound of hurried feet on the asphalt ground and after standing still for a while, I hear the beautiful chimes of the calmness beneath the bustling exterior. I hear the twinkling laugh of a young girl with braided hair with eyes filled with joy after her father gave her an ice cream, I hear the faint sound of birds perching on top of a store’s zinc roof gazing silently towards the crowd, I hear the excitement in a voice across me leaning against a wall talking about a subject I have no idea of, the diamond beneath the grime.

All that, through listening calmly, from allowing my mind and senses to wander around aimlessly. For the beauties of this world does not merely come from where you think it can be found. Sometimes, something beautiful becomes more beautiful when it is mixed with other components. Although, nowadays many people are too rushed to conform to this.

*Ching ching*

 I smiled as I hear the merry sound of the chiming bell attached to the entrance door and walked in. Immediately upon entrance, a waft of mouthwatering smell entered my senses waking me up from my wandering stupor. I walked towards the counter to take a closer look on today’s patisserie’s delicacies. Smiling stupidly now as I decided on a chocolate covered oblong shaped  bun, I pointed towards it and looked up to meet eyes with the young male worker behind it wearing a dark green apron with a smiling doughnut in the middle of it. The worker smiled, nodded and fluidly move with his task.

*Ching ching*,

Now there goes the sound of my exit. No matter how much  I love my Misty Guardian and the peace of the ledge, you can’t find this soft golden baked bread with satisfyingly fine chocolate texture smoothen and stuffed on top and the middle  of it respectively with little bits of nuts sprinkled on top creating  this perfect art of delicacy.

Trudging on my now dried sneaker and a contented stomach, hand to my side now, I continued walking. Towards my square home I go.

After around 15 minutes walking, my legs are dead tired. My friends call me crazy for walking more than a half hour walk three days a week and sometimes more just to go and sit myself on the death sit with death style. I mean who in their right mine will sacrifice their beautiful morning or afternoon or day just to go tire themselves all the way to the ledge, huff and puff to get on top of it and then sit there so close to the edge with no support whatsoever and do nothing but sit and stare. Pointless they say.

Despite that I still go there. The place, that rocky place acts as my detoxifier. So that I’ll always remember to not rush in whatever I do, for this world is too short to waste its beauty.

Status of story - Pending. 

Pieces #1

"The sky seems gray today"

"What are you talking about? It's perfectly blue. As usual."

"No. I...can't see the colors"

"Colors. You're only talking about one color."

"You think the sky is only blue?"

"Well, as of now, yes, it's blue. What is wrong with you today? Get a grip."

"Why do you think the sky is blue? Why can't it be black? or purple? Or any color that we want it to be?"

"Well, ok. Firstly, a black sky will contradict the purpose of day and night won't it? Secondly, purple. I guess a light shade of purple like let's say, lavender! yes, lavender, would be nice I guess. Now, any color that we want it to be?

Then, whose world will this be?

Humans are volatile, unstable, always prone to change, the sky will be a chaos. Just like the chaos they wreck on earth. I for one wouldn't want the sky's color to be up to our kind to decide."

"Something so simple, yet so intricate."

".. ok, what now."

"The sky. So serene yet so intricate."
http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/General/BlueSky/blue_sky.html

"So?"

"Why would one go through all the intricacies just to create a sky, for volatile beings?"

"Maybe because He knows we're volatile, so He created stuff that brings and gives us the calmness we need. The mountains, the seas, the rivers, the lakes, the trees,the flowers, it's all for our own sake. So that when one day the colors starts to fade from your eyes, your senses, you'll look around and realize that there other colors in this world, there are other source of happiness, of peace, in this world."

"but gray... is a color. Right?"

"Yes,yes. Gray is a color."

"Will I be able to see the sky you see anytime soon?"

"Of course. Just hang on there. There's enough blue in the sky for everyone in this life, including you. So hang on ok. Just, hang on there."

"I will. But, is your sky blue?"

"Thought you'll never ask. No. My sky is my color."

Reason

What reason do you have to continue living?

To open your eyes in the darkness of mornings,
to continue breathing the cold air,
to continue walking, one foot at a time, forward.

What for?


Have you seen how free the trees, the birds, the sky, the sun, and the whole natural world God created out there?

Have you seen how calm and at ease they are?
Despite having witnessed humanity's worse calamity,

Have you seen how serene they look?
Looming high, reaching to the sky, fleeting, soaring, free.


Now, what reason do you have to continue living?

The fool and the wise.

As for now, I'm deeply happy. The happiest I've felt for a long time. This happiness that radiates from within, amaze me.

It's true. Happiness, the ones that leave you with smiling hearts, a calm mind, inspire you to be better, leaving you still the same happy person, that happiness that comes as a whole with no gap of emptiness after it leaves. Macam dah reach nirvana je rasa. Eh. Merapu.

Few weeks/months ago, without realising, I started to take measures to ensure my heart will always be at peace, happy. For in the past, my happiness felt hollow. The truly happy moments were rare. I had my views and perceptions on things which made my life hard. I was stubborn, and when I fell, I fell hard. Without any rope to dangle on, without any matchstick to light. Then, knowing I don't have a foothold, I close my eyes and laid down in the dark, and listened to the merry sounds out there, jealous. Then I grapple my way out of the pit somehow and faked a smile to the sun. Fake it till you make it was my motto. Somewhere along the way, the sun reached me, happiness came, then the cycle repeat itself without mercy, leaving me tired, drained, and I can't afford to live in it.

I started to discipline myself. Life in college makes it easier to enforce and create this stable me. The me who smile through the pain, see the light beneath the blanket of darkness, calm despite the hail.That type of me. Even through the worst times, I kept true to my new strict discipline.

Hablum Minallah and Hablum Minannas. A good relationship with Allah and humans.

and it paid out.

True, there are times when I snapped, when that little ray of darkness came back creeping, but this time I was ready. My foothold is there. Bring it on.

Your life is yours. Yes, God has prepared everything beautifully. Yes, God has written out everything already for you, but, do you know, God don't just write from one perspective. God also writes down things will happen if you decided to take a different path, a little change. Every second of life is a second bestowed on you to create your life. You choose which part of the story you want to make as yours. Don't la be so boring and say why does God created my life like this. Fool. Don't be a fool :)

If you still think life is rigid, Then, lay down and don't do anything then see how life fold out. Will you get up or not? That's your pick. What happens after is your choice. And choice, is what sets apart the fool and the wise.

and what do you know

There's this thing about me.
This strange fear that lies so deep within
Ingrained into the cells and nerves within.
This fear of novelty.
This fear of not being good enough.
This fear of expectations.
Just, fear.

and when I'm afraid, I find comfort in forgetting it, for a while at least, for being too heated up serves me no good.

Tuned out.
I tune out from this world. Into a land of unknown where life, is as you want.

Then like the click of a camera,
the world sets in again,
into a blinding image of reality.

Opened my eyes, try as best as i can,
to pull myself back together,
although I tell you,
how do you pull back the unseen?
the unseen you.
Fleeting here and there,
cowering beneath the comfort of darkness,
a shrivelled heart.

Come one

I knew I had it coming.
I knew the 'down' will soon come after the 'up'
I knew the road will never be straight nor clear.

I also know, things happens with hikmah so i'm pretty chill most of the times. Even when things like my phone get momentarily lost and I couldn't search for it until my class ended, even when bigger things happened, like when someone I respect become dissapointed with me/did something i did not expect or well, everything that shares the same color with things like that. I chill.

Some people dub me as the takde perasaan kid,
Some constantly tell me to take care of myself.

You know how people like to say they are either THAT or THAT. No in between. For me, what a shame, God is much more delicate than that. A person can have 1000 sides that can not be simply described in words. A 1000 sides that are shared with 1000 different individuals, different moments.


Today, some major things happened. I got confused for a while. I felt horrible. I felt like I did not deserve to live, for a moment. But no, come on. You know you can do this. Been through worse. Been moving from one place to another ever since a child, been a loner, been bullied, been the well known one, been the normal student, had and have best friends, had my fair share of bittersweet memories, dealed with a ton a people and survived, so you know, chill.

The thing is, when you let people and words drag you down, it's even more horrible. Because the thing is, everyone have a right to say what they want. They have their own lessons to be learnt, and you, you have yours, I guess, you just have to learn and take time to get to know you, know you, love you. Chill for a bit, do things you love. Let them be. For you, be.

Just, be.

Those moments when one moment you're all good and dandy, happily gaitily laughing around, creating cheerful colors to every person you encounter, good Everything seems good at that particular moment.

then poof.

You don't exactly know what happen but it's as if something unseen but weighing you down, dragging you down, washing away all the lovely colors you painted into a rotten air of dull and lifeless colors. That twinkle in your eyes fade. Your smile turn down, weighted down. You just lay on the cold floor, stare at the ceiling and think of nothing or negative. Things just get worse when you don't know what's the cause. Your mom knocks asking what's happening and you just clamp your mouth shut, not meeting her eyes because you just, don't know.

but,
it's also during those hollow times when you discover a piece of yourself.

While trying to cheer yourself up, as if you don't have a God, watched countless videos, listened to countless songs, ate maggi which you don't normally eat as you always get a slight headache afterwards, crave sugary water but fear the worst, walk around your room aimlessly, go on a spree on whatsapp, twitter. Around that crazy momentum somewhere along the line, you smile, you laugh, a shot of happiness because of a joke or a certain someone and then just like how it came, it fades, not even leaving a speck of dust for you to hang on. Stingy. Your life remains dull. Smiling feels hard, Wow.

then somewhere along this strange wander in crazy land, you stumble on something that makes you realise how beautiful life is, how grateful you should be, all the books you read and all the experiences you encounter which every day become a trigger for new thoughts, ideas and inspirations to take a stroll in your limitless brain. Something that reminds you back to God.

It so happens that this time, it's a movie called Pirate Fairy. This movie reminds me of the value of appreciating someone as they are. Believing in someone's potential. The priceless value of friendship despite the uncertainty of future. The importance of understanding. Taking time to understand, and accept and acknowledge. The importance of not cutting someone's wings when you think their wings might endanger them, rather, teach and guide them on how to use their wings properly, let them loose but with guidance. Celebrate each other's uniqueness, specialty and ability. Because, what makes a person a person is that difference, That difference that have for so long create miracles and disasters. Celebrate each other. For maybe, maybe, all they want is that sense of being appreciated for who they are.

I don't know what God wants to teach me when my days suddenly becomes bleak and no one even me understands why. Not sick not busy not tired. Just, got no emotions. Or maybe, just void of positive emotions. I'm sure though all this crazy land trip i go through every time is a trip with it's own hikmah.

At every end of the crazy lane trip, I'm sure, is God. Waiting for me to find my way home, and rest and smile again, in His embrace and light. I'm sure.

An attempt to understand

Too immersed in our lives, we tend to weep over matters we shouldn’t consider a matter. Everything in this world matters but there are certain ordeals that shines greater in importance and relevance to you than other ordeals. Although, those shiny ordeals that might carve a new door to a better outlook in your life may be painted with greys and blacks. So it’s up to us, this life is an unorderly state. Nothing seems as it is. A rock might as well be a flower.

I like to sit alone under the vast sky, with a book and a pen and just me, alone, look up, look around and just think and write and read. Pour your heart out to yourself for no other persona on earth is able enough to carry your heart as a whole. Let your mind carry you to wherever it wants with a pen or in this modernized era, keyboard, be it a white A450L ASUS or a Lenovo S850 model. Be it.

Sad. Freak. My time with books and passion always seems to be taken away. By bustling social medias, those colorfully chosen emojis, carefully strung words, artfully taken pictures, stories of the day, witty, charming, fun, exuberant, disturbing my balance, eyes glued to the screen, time continues like a stream of calm river on it’s finest day.

Hell. How do people in the past live? Would I be happy to live in their era? Could it be as how they pictured it to me? A world where people spent more time outside than inside, family, folks, neighbours, friends, a good strong bond within. People who sweat away in their gardens, farms, job, with happiness. Simple people with a good heart.

Rare. Life has become so mainstream, so fast, so flashy, so, too, much. To the point where now, what’s odd stood out. Those who walk towards the other door, calmer, steadier, vision and mission printed in their brains, flashing a ‘don’t get close’ signal to those who come to obstruct. That determination to get there, to be who they want to be. That calmness that radiates, like a ball of fire orb, hues of yellow, red and blue, lighting they way forward, bringing heat to the cold.

Understand. That I write to let go. To remind. To express. To smile. To weep. To fight. To be me.

Understand. Everyone have something they fight for, they live for, they ponder on, their own historical life, their own colors, their own smile, their own twinkle in the eye, their own happiness, their own darkness, their own hold.

Understand. All these diversity in life, variance, are created for us to learn to understand. To try to understand. That everything has already been woven beautifully. For you and for me. Just, do your ultimate best to understand, every miniscule atom that decided to sneak into your life. Understand.