and what do you know

There's this thing about me.
This strange fear that lies so deep within
Ingrained into the cells and nerves within.
This fear of novelty.
This fear of not being good enough.
This fear of expectations.
Just, fear.

and when I'm afraid, I find comfort in forgetting it, for a while at least, for being too heated up serves me no good.

Tuned out.
I tune out from this world. Into a land of unknown where life, is as you want.

Then like the click of a camera,
the world sets in again,
into a blinding image of reality.

Opened my eyes, try as best as i can,
to pull myself back together,
although I tell you,
how do you pull back the unseen?
the unseen you.
Fleeting here and there,
cowering beneath the comfort of darkness,
a shrivelled heart.

Come one

I knew I had it coming.
I knew the 'down' will soon come after the 'up'
I knew the road will never be straight nor clear.

I also know, things happens with hikmah so i'm pretty chill most of the times. Even when things like my phone get momentarily lost and I couldn't search for it until my class ended, even when bigger things happened, like when someone I respect become dissapointed with me/did something i did not expect or well, everything that shares the same color with things like that. I chill.

Some people dub me as the takde perasaan kid,
Some constantly tell me to take care of myself.

You know how people like to say they are either THAT or THAT. No in between. For me, what a shame, God is much more delicate than that. A person can have 1000 sides that can not be simply described in words. A 1000 sides that are shared with 1000 different individuals, different moments.


Today, some major things happened. I got confused for a while. I felt horrible. I felt like I did not deserve to live, for a moment. But no, come on. You know you can do this. Been through worse. Been moving from one place to another ever since a child, been a loner, been bullied, been the well known one, been the normal student, had and have best friends, had my fair share of bittersweet memories, dealed with a ton a people and survived, so you know, chill.

The thing is, when you let people and words drag you down, it's even more horrible. Because the thing is, everyone have a right to say what they want. They have their own lessons to be learnt, and you, you have yours, I guess, you just have to learn and take time to get to know you, know you, love you. Chill for a bit, do things you love. Let them be. For you, be.

Just, be.

Those moments when one moment you're all good and dandy, happily gaitily laughing around, creating cheerful colors to every person you encounter, good Everything seems good at that particular moment.

then poof.

You don't exactly know what happen but it's as if something unseen but weighing you down, dragging you down, washing away all the lovely colors you painted into a rotten air of dull and lifeless colors. That twinkle in your eyes fade. Your smile turn down, weighted down. You just lay on the cold floor, stare at the ceiling and think of nothing or negative. Things just get worse when you don't know what's the cause. Your mom knocks asking what's happening and you just clamp your mouth shut, not meeting her eyes because you just, don't know.

but,
it's also during those hollow times when you discover a piece of yourself.

While trying to cheer yourself up, as if you don't have a God, watched countless videos, listened to countless songs, ate maggi which you don't normally eat as you always get a slight headache afterwards, crave sugary water but fear the worst, walk around your room aimlessly, go on a spree on whatsapp, twitter. Around that crazy momentum somewhere along the line, you smile, you laugh, a shot of happiness because of a joke or a certain someone and then just like how it came, it fades, not even leaving a speck of dust for you to hang on. Stingy. Your life remains dull. Smiling feels hard, Wow.

then somewhere along this strange wander in crazy land, you stumble on something that makes you realise how beautiful life is, how grateful you should be, all the books you read and all the experiences you encounter which every day become a trigger for new thoughts, ideas and inspirations to take a stroll in your limitless brain. Something that reminds you back to God.

It so happens that this time, it's a movie called Pirate Fairy. This movie reminds me of the value of appreciating someone as they are. Believing in someone's potential. The priceless value of friendship despite the uncertainty of future. The importance of understanding. Taking time to understand, and accept and acknowledge. The importance of not cutting someone's wings when you think their wings might endanger them, rather, teach and guide them on how to use their wings properly, let them loose but with guidance. Celebrate each other's uniqueness, specialty and ability. Because, what makes a person a person is that difference, That difference that have for so long create miracles and disasters. Celebrate each other. For maybe, maybe, all they want is that sense of being appreciated for who they are.

I don't know what God wants to teach me when my days suddenly becomes bleak and no one even me understands why. Not sick not busy not tired. Just, got no emotions. Or maybe, just void of positive emotions. I'm sure though all this crazy land trip i go through every time is a trip with it's own hikmah.

At every end of the crazy lane trip, I'm sure, is God. Waiting for me to find my way home, and rest and smile again, in His embrace and light. I'm sure.

An attempt to understand

Too immersed in our lives, we tend to weep over matters we shouldn’t consider a matter. Everything in this world matters but there are certain ordeals that shines greater in importance and relevance to you than other ordeals. Although, those shiny ordeals that might carve a new door to a better outlook in your life may be painted with greys and blacks. So it’s up to us, this life is an unorderly state. Nothing seems as it is. A rock might as well be a flower.

I like to sit alone under the vast sky, with a book and a pen and just me, alone, look up, look around and just think and write and read. Pour your heart out to yourself for no other persona on earth is able enough to carry your heart as a whole. Let your mind carry you to wherever it wants with a pen or in this modernized era, keyboard, be it a white A450L ASUS or a Lenovo S850 model. Be it.

Sad. Freak. My time with books and passion always seems to be taken away. By bustling social medias, those colorfully chosen emojis, carefully strung words, artfully taken pictures, stories of the day, witty, charming, fun, exuberant, disturbing my balance, eyes glued to the screen, time continues like a stream of calm river on it’s finest day.

Hell. How do people in the past live? Would I be happy to live in their era? Could it be as how they pictured it to me? A world where people spent more time outside than inside, family, folks, neighbours, friends, a good strong bond within. People who sweat away in their gardens, farms, job, with happiness. Simple people with a good heart.

Rare. Life has become so mainstream, so fast, so flashy, so, too, much. To the point where now, what’s odd stood out. Those who walk towards the other door, calmer, steadier, vision and mission printed in their brains, flashing a ‘don’t get close’ signal to those who come to obstruct. That determination to get there, to be who they want to be. That calmness that radiates, like a ball of fire orb, hues of yellow, red and blue, lighting they way forward, bringing heat to the cold.

Understand. That I write to let go. To remind. To express. To smile. To weep. To fight. To be me.

Understand. Everyone have something they fight for, they live for, they ponder on, their own historical life, their own colors, their own smile, their own twinkle in the eye, their own happiness, their own darkness, their own hold.

Understand. All these diversity in life, variance, are created for us to learn to understand. To try to understand. That everything has already been woven beautifully. For you and for me. Just, do your ultimate best to understand, every miniscule atom that decided to sneak into your life. Understand.