Come one

I knew I had it coming.
I knew the 'down' will soon come after the 'up'
I knew the road will never be straight nor clear.

I also know, things happens with hikmah so i'm pretty chill most of the times. Even when things like my phone get momentarily lost and I couldn't search for it until my class ended, even when bigger things happened, like when someone I respect become dissapointed with me/did something i did not expect or well, everything that shares the same color with things like that. I chill.

Some people dub me as the takde perasaan kid,
Some constantly tell me to take care of myself.

You know how people like to say they are either THAT or THAT. No in between. For me, what a shame, God is much more delicate than that. A person can have 1000 sides that can not be simply described in words. A 1000 sides that are shared with 1000 different individuals, different moments.


Today, some major things happened. I got confused for a while. I felt horrible. I felt like I did not deserve to live, for a moment. But no, come on. You know you can do this. Been through worse. Been moving from one place to another ever since a child, been a loner, been bullied, been the well known one, been the normal student, had and have best friends, had my fair share of bittersweet memories, dealed with a ton a people and survived, so you know, chill.

The thing is, when you let people and words drag you down, it's even more horrible. Because the thing is, everyone have a right to say what they want. They have their own lessons to be learnt, and you, you have yours, I guess, you just have to learn and take time to get to know you, know you, love you. Chill for a bit, do things you love. Let them be. For you, be.

Just, be.

Those moments when one moment you're all good and dandy, happily gaitily laughing around, creating cheerful colors to every person you encounter, good Everything seems good at that particular moment.

then poof.

You don't exactly know what happen but it's as if something unseen but weighing you down, dragging you down, washing away all the lovely colors you painted into a rotten air of dull and lifeless colors. That twinkle in your eyes fade. Your smile turn down, weighted down. You just lay on the cold floor, stare at the ceiling and think of nothing or negative. Things just get worse when you don't know what's the cause. Your mom knocks asking what's happening and you just clamp your mouth shut, not meeting her eyes because you just, don't know.

but,
it's also during those hollow times when you discover a piece of yourself.

While trying to cheer yourself up, as if you don't have a God, watched countless videos, listened to countless songs, ate maggi which you don't normally eat as you always get a slight headache afterwards, crave sugary water but fear the worst, walk around your room aimlessly, go on a spree on whatsapp, twitter. Around that crazy momentum somewhere along the line, you smile, you laugh, a shot of happiness because of a joke or a certain someone and then just like how it came, it fades, not even leaving a speck of dust for you to hang on. Stingy. Your life remains dull. Smiling feels hard, Wow.

then somewhere along this strange wander in crazy land, you stumble on something that makes you realise how beautiful life is, how grateful you should be, all the books you read and all the experiences you encounter which every day become a trigger for new thoughts, ideas and inspirations to take a stroll in your limitless brain. Something that reminds you back to God.

It so happens that this time, it's a movie called Pirate Fairy. This movie reminds me of the value of appreciating someone as they are. Believing in someone's potential. The priceless value of friendship despite the uncertainty of future. The importance of understanding. Taking time to understand, and accept and acknowledge. The importance of not cutting someone's wings when you think their wings might endanger them, rather, teach and guide them on how to use their wings properly, let them loose but with guidance. Celebrate each other's uniqueness, specialty and ability. Because, what makes a person a person is that difference, That difference that have for so long create miracles and disasters. Celebrate each other. For maybe, maybe, all they want is that sense of being appreciated for who they are.

I don't know what God wants to teach me when my days suddenly becomes bleak and no one even me understands why. Not sick not busy not tired. Just, got no emotions. Or maybe, just void of positive emotions. I'm sure though all this crazy land trip i go through every time is a trip with it's own hikmah.

At every end of the crazy lane trip, I'm sure, is God. Waiting for me to find my way home, and rest and smile again, in His embrace and light. I'm sure.