A small boat on a deep ocean, I’m in ‘freeze’ mode. How do I express myself? After working so hard to drag myself out of the gutter, and suddenly trampled by a landslide, I’m here in a daze.
Where did that landslide come from? Did I left it there, to crash? Did I think, it would remain there forever, a patch of eternity. A hill of adversity, proof that everything was real. That she really did hurt me. And I had to heal and sew my wounds back, without anyone to guide me.
Yet her face still linger in my mind, from the last time I visited, it felt, cruel. She will age. She forgets. She will pass by. She will leave. And I remain.
Sometimes I thought I have accepted, forgiven, moved on. And in many ways, I have. I have accepted that the circumstances happened. That I was too young. That she was struggling too. That it was unfair. That it was bad, but there was also good. That I was alone, but it made me tougher. That no one would fully understand, but some will reach out to hold my hands, eyes glistening with concern, wanting to soothe the ache.
The changes in her eyes, in her existence, as age clawed and thawed her, I hate it. If she is no longer the same as before, yet still the same, then does that invalidates everything? The thorns that scratched and digged through me, if it’s no longer visible to the eyes, would anyone believe me anymore?
It’s startling to see someone fading.
Especially when it’s someone who had hurt you so much, yet you can never truly hate.
Someone whom people wanted me to understand even when I was 10. An age too young to be told to be an adult.
A generational trauma I fought to cut.
Dear kin of mine,
Know that I have fought tooth and blood in my own silent way, to distance you from this heavy currents. I want you to sail your boat with a steady heart. On sunny days, I want you to look expectantly towards the sea, beaming with excitement, and not worry about the darkness lurking and rumbling below.
May the sun warm you, and may your boat reach the shore with ease.
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