11:42 pm and my senses feels heavy with fatigue. A type of fatigue that I have been excessively applying upon myself unconsciously these past few weeks. A fatigue that drains you from the inside and turn your sight into gray. A phantom fatigue.
Today. The phantom has calmed down. So here's a letter. For the phantom to move on.
Relationships are futile.
Relationships are fragile.
Relationships are meant to be formed,
broken,
and amended.
Relationships,
some of them are visible to the eyes,
some,
works itself in its own mysterious ways.
Relationships, should be treated with care,
love,
tolerance,
but should also be discarded when considered toxic.
Relationships, are formed everyday and everywhere in every second that we breathe in.
Every minute, every hour.
Twinkling eyes,
Sunken eyes,
Observing eyes,
Broken eyes,
are all the results of relationships.
Giving yourself into any relationship, is giving a piece of yourself to someone who has the ability to either heal, break, empower and change you.
Given to the right person, it is a key to somewhere that we call 'a better life'.
Given to the wrong person, 'a better life' might not be with that person.
Yet, that wrong person, might not actually be the 'wrong one' at the time where you formed a relationship. That 'wrong one' might have been an important presence in your life that has shaped so much of you into who you are right now. Is there even a 'wrong person' in our life?
There was once a time, where I have slowly but gradually opened up pages in my book of life that I have never opened to others. It was a delicate process. A very highly sensitive movement on my own behalf. Fear was my best friend. The fear of letting others hold a piece of such a delicate side of you in their hands. I somehow, still gave them the autonomy. Slowly giving my trust and heart to them. Slowly maturing and growing. Slowly opening up to the world bit by bit.
There were days where I doubt they can hold onto me for too long. There were days where I was cynical of the bond we have formed and the depth that it contains. There were also days where my heart was warmed by the good memories and comforting words. We accepted each other as who we are. I loved them. For a girl who have lived her life moving from place to place from a young age, unable to form bonds for too long with others, naturally, trust and stability comes at a high price. Thus, being able to meet people who accepts so much of her, was calming.
As calm as the calm before a storm.
A storm that came without a sound.
The moment it hits, there was two option.
One. Fix the mess caused by the storm.
Two. Nothing can be done. Move on.
The first time it happened, I was a mess but it was fixed. It was good for a while.
The second time it happened, I knew I wouldn't want it to happen for the third time. Time's up.
but letting go and moving on is easier said than done. How can it be not when you have grown so accustomed and used to sharing so much of yourself to them.
and "we got your back", "we will always be here for you", and all those calming words keeps entering your head like the dizzying sound of an unseen mosquito. The more you shake it off, the stronger it comes back.
I thought I could handle it, but I guess I'm still learning how to be stronger, accept, forgive and forget.
I was on the ground, shrouded with a blanket of mistrust, the feeling of betrayal, disappointment and sadness. Yet, another part of me understands that everyone have their own reasons in doing whatever they are doing. Everyone have their problems, opinions and for all of that, I accepted what has happened as it is.
It was just me all along. Still learning about life. Learning how to take in everything with a dose of maturity. Forgive and forget, a wise voice advised. Forgive and forget.
If opening up your heart and handing out your trust to people caused you to cry countless of times and triggered your mental health to the point where you have to make the decision to finally eat an anti-depressant pill, maybe it's not them who are in the wrong but it's you. It's me. It's okay. It's okay.
I know. I hate how I get so sensitive to anything that involves the people I love. I hate how I give them so much power without their knowledge to shape my life. But what's the point of hating? What is done, is done.
I have to continually teach myself to be stronger and wiser,
to be accepting and merciful,
to be a person who continues to live as long as there is a ray of hope that shines in her life. If all hope ceases, then, she will light the hope by herself.
Till the day where I can find solace within myself, I will always be grateful for each relationship that was formed between me and other people in this life. Whatever the outcome was, I have concluded that it's for the best. I believe that those thoughtful and calming words comes sincerely from their heart. It's just that our paths decided to diverge from each other. When paths diverge, it means that a new chapter must be opened. It is time to move on.
In the hopes of being able to lift the heaviness from my soul, I write.
Pray. Let us all have a better life and find the solace we seek before our death comes.
Forgive, forget, move on.
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