Zed's Rush Hour

This was written in my post-SPM year, with the intention to free my mind. 

Part 1 

You know how there are a thousand and one way to start a book? Or well, maybe more than a thousand one cause if there’s one thing in this world that is not and even if, is harder to be confined and constrained by any metal chains that exist in this world, is the mind.

Anyways my name is Zed. No I’m not a guy. The complete opposite gender if you may. My hobby is sitting at the ledge of any cliff with my legs dangling over it. I love the sweet soothing smell of the untouched air above the world. I love the feel of the fluttering wind taking a stroll around me. I love the comfort of being around grey stones and cheery greeneries, all natural zero plastic. I love the feeling of being isolated and away from earth destroyers down there in that steel and concrete skyscrapers city you see from here. I love how sitting on this rocky ledge fills me with ease and adrenaline at the same time. For the thought of peace and death surges through me every time I turn my eyes downward towards the misty landscape.

 So  anyways welcome to Misty Ledge.

 Here, no matter what time or day or year you decide to come, the view from up here will remain misty and mysterious. As if there’s a veil between reality and fantasy. Yet despite the mist and haziness, the shape and figures down there if you look carefully, remains vivid and clear. Only if you look thoroughly will you notice that the white sheet floating below obstructing your view hinders nothing at all except for your lone figure from below. I used to believe that the mist is like a guardian for those seeking for the best of both world. Those who wish for some lone time without completely hiding away from the metal and steel jungle. Those who wish to ponder over their cloudy thoughts in both the alluring invite of nature and the turbulent but enchanting contemporaries.

 The Misty Guardian. Gentle but definite.

*beep*

Ah, the sound of my watch indicating it’s about time to head for home. In other words, it’s time for me to return to my box like house right in the heart of the monstrous human made jungle. Right. I leap up from my sitting position despite knowing the danger of my actions but what is there to worry when if you worry over all the trivial and crucial things in this world, your life will be shrouded nothing but unease and misery. I inhale the crisp air around me and head home. One foot at a time, definitely not going to rush.

The reason why so many heart breaks, tears spill and fights break out are caused by plunging head on into something without proper thought. Being caught up and indulged by the heat of the moment, by the persuasive invincible particles gauging you towards  fire, you, too rushed to think.

Maybe not everything are rooted from rushing but hey, might as well ponder over that.

Hands in my pocket, sneakers now wet, I stepped further and further away from my haven and entered the reality. The place where people here mostly live to survive. People from beautifully carved locations and villages come to this concrete and steel jungle like ants attracted to a small cube of sugar. All crowding over it. It starts from one ant whom gave a signal to other ants and gradually, the cube becomes an overpopulated and overrated destination. Each ant wants a piece, but ants, they work together. They bring the sugar to their home, together, to feed their colony. Us, humans, we work for ourselves. We work to attain paper notes and jingling coins. Some to feed their family, some for their own entertainment, some for security against the fear of poverty. In short, they come here for survival. This looming 100 storeys high jungles.

After 20 minutes walking, I arrived to the place where humans run and sometimes they literally run, rushing. I can now hear what I did not hear on the ledge looking down at the serene view of this jungle which some refer as, city. I hear blaring ear defeaning honks, a buzz of different mixtures of voices, the sound of hurried feet on the asphalt ground and after standing still for a while, I hear the beautiful chimes of the calmness beneath the bustling exterior. I hear the twinkling laugh of a young girl with braided hair with eyes filled with joy after her father gave her an ice cream, I hear the faint sound of birds perching on top of a store’s zinc roof gazing silently towards the crowd, I hear the excitement in a voice across me leaning against a wall talking about a subject I have no idea of, the diamond beneath the grime.

All that, through listening calmly, from allowing my mind and senses to wander around aimlessly. For the beauties of this world does not merely come from where you think it can be found. Sometimes, something beautiful becomes more beautiful when it is mixed with other components. Although, nowadays many people are too rushed to conform to this.

*Ching ching*

 I smiled as I hear the merry sound of the chiming bell attached to the entrance door and walked in. Immediately upon entrance, a waft of mouthwatering smell entered my senses waking me up from my wandering stupor. I walked towards the counter to take a closer look on today’s patisserie’s delicacies. Smiling stupidly now as I decided on a chocolate covered oblong shaped  bun, I pointed towards it and looked up to meet eyes with the young male worker behind it wearing a dark green apron with a smiling doughnut in the middle of it. The worker smiled, nodded and fluidly move with his task.

*Ching ching*,

Now there goes the sound of my exit. No matter how much  I love my Misty Guardian and the peace of the ledge, you can’t find this soft golden baked bread with satisfyingly fine chocolate texture smoothen and stuffed on top and the middle  of it respectively with little bits of nuts sprinkled on top creating  this perfect art of delicacy.

Trudging on my now dried sneaker and a contented stomach, hand to my side now, I continued walking. Towards my square home I go.

After around 15 minutes walking, my legs are dead tired. My friends call me crazy for walking more than a half hour walk three days a week and sometimes more just to go and sit myself on the death sit with death style. I mean who in their right mine will sacrifice their beautiful morning or afternoon or day just to go tire themselves all the way to the ledge, huff and puff to get on top of it and then sit there so close to the edge with no support whatsoever and do nothing but sit and stare. Pointless they say.

Despite that I still go there. The place, that rocky place acts as my detoxifier. So that I’ll always remember to not rush in whatever I do, for this world is too short to waste its beauty.

Status of story - Pending. 

Pieces #1

"The sky seems gray today"

"What are you talking about? It's perfectly blue. As usual."

"No. I...can't see the colors"

"Colors. You're only talking about one color."

"You think the sky is only blue?"

"Well, as of now, yes, it's blue. What is wrong with you today? Get a grip."

"Why do you think the sky is blue? Why can't it be black? or purple? Or any color that we want it to be?"

"Well, ok. Firstly, a black sky will contradict the purpose of day and night won't it? Secondly, purple. I guess a light shade of purple like let's say, lavender! yes, lavender, would be nice I guess. Now, any color that we want it to be?

Then, whose world will this be?

Humans are volatile, unstable, always prone to change, the sky will be a chaos. Just like the chaos they wreck on earth. I for one wouldn't want the sky's color to be up to our kind to decide."

"Something so simple, yet so intricate."

".. ok, what now."

"The sky. So serene yet so intricate."
http://math.ucr.edu/home/baez/physics/General/BlueSky/blue_sky.html

"So?"

"Why would one go through all the intricacies just to create a sky, for volatile beings?"

"Maybe because He knows we're volatile, so He created stuff that brings and gives us the calmness we need. The mountains, the seas, the rivers, the lakes, the trees,the flowers, it's all for our own sake. So that when one day the colors starts to fade from your eyes, your senses, you'll look around and realize that there other colors in this world, there are other source of happiness, of peace, in this world."

"but gray... is a color. Right?"

"Yes,yes. Gray is a color."

"Will I be able to see the sky you see anytime soon?"

"Of course. Just hang on there. There's enough blue in the sky for everyone in this life, including you. So hang on ok. Just, hang on there."

"I will. But, is your sky blue?"

"Thought you'll never ask. No. My sky is my color."

Reason

What reason do you have to continue living?

To open your eyes in the darkness of mornings,
to continue breathing the cold air,
to continue walking, one foot at a time, forward.

What for?


Have you seen how free the trees, the birds, the sky, the sun, and the whole natural world God created out there?

Have you seen how calm and at ease they are?
Despite having witnessed humanity's worse calamity,

Have you seen how serene they look?
Looming high, reaching to the sky, fleeting, soaring, free.


Now, what reason do you have to continue living?

The fool and the wise.

As for now, I'm deeply happy. The happiest I've felt for a long time. This happiness that radiates from within, amaze me.

It's true. Happiness, the ones that leave you with smiling hearts, a calm mind, inspire you to be better, leaving you still the same happy person, that happiness that comes as a whole with no gap of emptiness after it leaves. Macam dah reach nirvana je rasa. Eh. Merapu.

Few weeks/months ago, without realising, I started to take measures to ensure my heart will always be at peace, happy. For in the past, my happiness felt hollow. The truly happy moments were rare. I had my views and perceptions on things which made my life hard. I was stubborn, and when I fell, I fell hard. Without any rope to dangle on, without any matchstick to light. Then, knowing I don't have a foothold, I close my eyes and laid down in the dark, and listened to the merry sounds out there, jealous. Then I grapple my way out of the pit somehow and faked a smile to the sun. Fake it till you make it was my motto. Somewhere along the way, the sun reached me, happiness came, then the cycle repeat itself without mercy, leaving me tired, drained, and I can't afford to live in it.

I started to discipline myself. Life in college makes it easier to enforce and create this stable me. The me who smile through the pain, see the light beneath the blanket of darkness, calm despite the hail.That type of me. Even through the worst times, I kept true to my new strict discipline.

Hablum Minallah and Hablum Minannas. A good relationship with Allah and humans.

and it paid out.

True, there are times when I snapped, when that little ray of darkness came back creeping, but this time I was ready. My foothold is there. Bring it on.

Your life is yours. Yes, God has prepared everything beautifully. Yes, God has written out everything already for you, but, do you know, God don't just write from one perspective. God also writes down things will happen if you decided to take a different path, a little change. Every second of life is a second bestowed on you to create your life. You choose which part of the story you want to make as yours. Don't la be so boring and say why does God created my life like this. Fool. Don't be a fool :)

If you still think life is rigid, Then, lay down and don't do anything then see how life fold out. Will you get up or not? That's your pick. What happens after is your choice. And choice, is what sets apart the fool and the wise.

and what do you know

There's this thing about me.
This strange fear that lies so deep within
Ingrained into the cells and nerves within.
This fear of novelty.
This fear of not being good enough.
This fear of expectations.
Just, fear.

and when I'm afraid, I find comfort in forgetting it, for a while at least, for being too heated up serves me no good.

Tuned out.
I tune out from this world. Into a land of unknown where life, is as you want.

Then like the click of a camera,
the world sets in again,
into a blinding image of reality.

Opened my eyes, try as best as i can,
to pull myself back together,
although I tell you,
how do you pull back the unseen?
the unseen you.
Fleeting here and there,
cowering beneath the comfort of darkness,
a shrivelled heart.

Come one

I knew I had it coming.
I knew the 'down' will soon come after the 'up'
I knew the road will never be straight nor clear.

I also know, things happens with hikmah so i'm pretty chill most of the times. Even when things like my phone get momentarily lost and I couldn't search for it until my class ended, even when bigger things happened, like when someone I respect become dissapointed with me/did something i did not expect or well, everything that shares the same color with things like that. I chill.

Some people dub me as the takde perasaan kid,
Some constantly tell me to take care of myself.

You know how people like to say they are either THAT or THAT. No in between. For me, what a shame, God is much more delicate than that. A person can have 1000 sides that can not be simply described in words. A 1000 sides that are shared with 1000 different individuals, different moments.


Today, some major things happened. I got confused for a while. I felt horrible. I felt like I did not deserve to live, for a moment. But no, come on. You know you can do this. Been through worse. Been moving from one place to another ever since a child, been a loner, been bullied, been the well known one, been the normal student, had and have best friends, had my fair share of bittersweet memories, dealed with a ton a people and survived, so you know, chill.

The thing is, when you let people and words drag you down, it's even more horrible. Because the thing is, everyone have a right to say what they want. They have their own lessons to be learnt, and you, you have yours, I guess, you just have to learn and take time to get to know you, know you, love you. Chill for a bit, do things you love. Let them be. For you, be.

Just, be.

Those moments when one moment you're all good and dandy, happily gaitily laughing around, creating cheerful colors to every person you encounter, good Everything seems good at that particular moment.

then poof.

You don't exactly know what happen but it's as if something unseen but weighing you down, dragging you down, washing away all the lovely colors you painted into a rotten air of dull and lifeless colors. That twinkle in your eyes fade. Your smile turn down, weighted down. You just lay on the cold floor, stare at the ceiling and think of nothing or negative. Things just get worse when you don't know what's the cause. Your mom knocks asking what's happening and you just clamp your mouth shut, not meeting her eyes because you just, don't know.

but,
it's also during those hollow times when you discover a piece of yourself.

While trying to cheer yourself up, as if you don't have a God, watched countless videos, listened to countless songs, ate maggi which you don't normally eat as you always get a slight headache afterwards, crave sugary water but fear the worst, walk around your room aimlessly, go on a spree on whatsapp, twitter. Around that crazy momentum somewhere along the line, you smile, you laugh, a shot of happiness because of a joke or a certain someone and then just like how it came, it fades, not even leaving a speck of dust for you to hang on. Stingy. Your life remains dull. Smiling feels hard, Wow.

then somewhere along this strange wander in crazy land, you stumble on something that makes you realise how beautiful life is, how grateful you should be, all the books you read and all the experiences you encounter which every day become a trigger for new thoughts, ideas and inspirations to take a stroll in your limitless brain. Something that reminds you back to God.

It so happens that this time, it's a movie called Pirate Fairy. This movie reminds me of the value of appreciating someone as they are. Believing in someone's potential. The priceless value of friendship despite the uncertainty of future. The importance of understanding. Taking time to understand, and accept and acknowledge. The importance of not cutting someone's wings when you think their wings might endanger them, rather, teach and guide them on how to use their wings properly, let them loose but with guidance. Celebrate each other's uniqueness, specialty and ability. Because, what makes a person a person is that difference, That difference that have for so long create miracles and disasters. Celebrate each other. For maybe, maybe, all they want is that sense of being appreciated for who they are.

I don't know what God wants to teach me when my days suddenly becomes bleak and no one even me understands why. Not sick not busy not tired. Just, got no emotions. Or maybe, just void of positive emotions. I'm sure though all this crazy land trip i go through every time is a trip with it's own hikmah.

At every end of the crazy lane trip, I'm sure, is God. Waiting for me to find my way home, and rest and smile again, in His embrace and light. I'm sure.