but here's a piece of my tainted soul, for you and for you.
An important fact about me - I can't stay for too long.
I can adapt, change, say hello, say goodbye and move on easily at most times which accounts to a staggering 95% of my life.
People enter and exit my life with different values and meanings. It's difficult to put it in words, but despite the abundance of people I met, only 0.5% managed to know a little bit of me. My life is mostly kept silently to myself. Never a secret but it doesn't seem appropriate to be shared with others. I just don't feel the urge to peel a little bit of my mask and shed some light into the darkness in me. Hah.
I never even told my parents or anyone else the things i go through. Never, or maybe, I don't know how and never wanted to learn. Nevertheless, as I grow up, as life unravels itself, I slowly learn to accept, tell and release the silence I had unconsciously carried with me all this time.
Somehow, our paths intersected with each other, stories were shared, something clicked.
Somehow, the two of you, managed to enter into a section of the life I had firmly kept sealed away from the outside world.
Somehow, when i'm with you and you, I feel comfortable enough to act myself.
I don't even understand why we still have that group and even have a label for our little group.
All I know is that, life would be a little bit quiet without the both of you. Something feels home with you and you. Thank you.
Another sad fact about me - I tend to detach myself from anything that feels too cosy. Too nice.Too comfortable.
I hate watching sad dramas because I don't want to feel the pain that comes with it. Coward. A person who is still learning to give a chance and chances to the people around her.
Thank you for giving me a chance and accepting me for who I am.
Until the time where God has written for us to move apart on this journey of life, until then, let's keep sharing with each other. I got your backs *grinsss*
Monday, 15 May 2017
Friday, 28 April 2017
Tawar dan Hikmah #2
Still emotionally dry, let's write.
Write away your sorrow, your confusion, you unrecognized sadness.
Write through the night,
with a brittle heart.
Second grain of salt :
PMGS17.
What a topic. A topic that shatters me every single time. Yet, a topic that strengthened me. A chapter of my life where I was taught that everyone is always happy to complain.
A chapter where I fell down and had to boldly gulp away the pills of lessons.
A chapter where I had to learn to suppress my feelings for a better day.
A chapter where I was taught that visions, are nothing but illusions.
A chapter where I silently took in the hardships of those around me knowing that the only thing I could offer was a prayer.
A chapter where many were left weary but filled.
Filled with the unfaltering strokes of hikmah.
Like a child's first dissapointment, of not getting what she wants.
But,
look at what I learned throughout the few months of PMGS17. Look at the character I build throughout the months. Look at the bonds I managed to possess due to it. Look. Look with your heart. Look with the eyes of hikmah.
I wouldn't be confident in some the things i'm doing now if it wasn't for the hazardous ride I went through.
A ride in which I entered smiling an innocent smile and exited with a weary smile.
Hikmah dalam tawar.
Write away your sorrow, your confusion, you unrecognized sadness.
Write through the night,
with a brittle heart.
Second grain of salt :
PMGS17.
What a topic. A topic that shatters me every single time. Yet, a topic that strengthened me. A chapter of my life where I was taught that everyone is always happy to complain.
A chapter where I fell down and had to boldly gulp away the pills of lessons.
A chapter where I had to learn to suppress my feelings for a better day.
A chapter where I was taught that visions, are nothing but illusions.
A chapter where I silently took in the hardships of those around me knowing that the only thing I could offer was a prayer.
A chapter where many were left weary but filled.
Filled with the unfaltering strokes of hikmah.
Like a child's first dissapointment, of not getting what she wants.
But,
look at what I learned throughout the few months of PMGS17. Look at the character I build throughout the months. Look at the bonds I managed to possess due to it. Look. Look with your heart. Look with the eyes of hikmah.
I wouldn't be confident in some the things i'm doing now if it wasn't for the hazardous ride I went through.
A ride in which I entered smiling an innocent smile and exited with a weary smile.
Hikmah dalam tawar.
Tawar dan Hikmah
Tawar dan hikmah.
Because someone is sad and tired tonight, let's write about her life. The little pieces of her life sewn with a thread called hikmah.
"tak sakit ke? biasanya orang complain sakit."
"hmm saya dah biasa."
The pain you experienced are also the things that shaped the you today.
The salt in your soup.
The hikmah in the tawar.
A grain of salt :
CFS UIAM PJ years. It was around 9pm. Alone and tired. I sat at the bus stop at LRT University hoping for a bus to apparate in front of me and whisk me to a land of nowhere. Waited. No bus came. There was a girl beside me but both of us simply sat and waited for the bus in silence.
"Nak pergi mana?' My quiet voice flew into the night.
"UIA"
"Eh samalah."
"Rasanya bus macam dah takde ni. Jom grab car sama sama."
and I ended up riding the grab car with a completely new company. She was nice. The grab car driver was nice. Despite the fact that i had to literally flip over my purse to pay for the ride (sebab i'm an antique person. My purse is filled with coins, and receipts.)
UIAM Gombak, A rainy day. My 7E maroon umbrella is nowhere to be found. Stranded. I leaned against a wall and stared into the rain. Tired. What a tiring week. God. My heart wept. I looked around hoping to see a familiar face. Nil.
A girl came out from the class to my right. She looked at me and a bulb flickered in the depth of my memories. It was the grab car girl.
"Nak tumpang payung boleh?'
"Boleh boleh."
and I safely reached IIUM's mosque with a partially drenched self. If i had not coincidentally met the grab car girl on that one night, I would probably have to wait for a longer time at HS building until the rain ceased or another familiar person passed by.
Hikmah dalam tawar.
Just a grain of salt out of the ocean of spices swirling together in a bowl we call life.
Because someone is sad and tired tonight, let's write about her life. The little pieces of her life sewn with a thread called hikmah.
"tak sakit ke? biasanya orang complain sakit."
"hmm saya dah biasa."
The pain you experienced are also the things that shaped the you today.
The salt in your soup.
The hikmah in the tawar.
A grain of salt :
CFS UIAM PJ years. It was around 9pm. Alone and tired. I sat at the bus stop at LRT University hoping for a bus to apparate in front of me and whisk me to a land of nowhere. Waited. No bus came. There was a girl beside me but both of us simply sat and waited for the bus in silence.
"Nak pergi mana?' My quiet voice flew into the night.
"UIA"
"Eh samalah."
"Rasanya bus macam dah takde ni. Jom grab car sama sama."
and I ended up riding the grab car with a completely new company. She was nice. The grab car driver was nice. Despite the fact that i had to literally flip over my purse to pay for the ride (sebab i'm an antique person. My purse is filled with coins, and receipts.)
UIAM Gombak, A rainy day. My 7E maroon umbrella is nowhere to be found. Stranded. I leaned against a wall and stared into the rain. Tired. What a tiring week. God. My heart wept. I looked around hoping to see a familiar face. Nil.
A girl came out from the class to my right. She looked at me and a bulb flickered in the depth of my memories. It was the grab car girl.
"Nak tumpang payung boleh?'
"Boleh boleh."
and I safely reached IIUM's mosque with a partially drenched self. If i had not coincidentally met the grab car girl on that one night, I would probably have to wait for a longer time at HS building until the rain ceased or another familiar person passed by.
Hikmah dalam tawar.
Just a grain of salt out of the ocean of spices swirling together in a bowl we call life.
Thursday, 23 March 2017
Negara
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ini negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Kalau kata itu kota, kami bina tamadun
Lihat rangkap-rangkap pantun hidup beratus tahun
Bangkit seribu perwira selamat sejuta insan
Gelap dalam matahari insan juga bisa insaf
Mana cerita panglima yang wujud benar
Awang hitam kaji awan putih bila belayar
Hamba keliling dunia tuannya yang terkenal
Nak merdeka di jasad, harus bebas di akal
Hatiku tetap hanya padamu
Keranamu aku berdiri
Tanpamu cita-cita hanya kekal sebagai mimpi
Semuanya bermula dari sini
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Demi negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Dan dari 57, jalannya telah disuluh
Bangkit seakan subuh rebung dilentur buluh
Terus ke 63, kami menjadi kita
Jangan dipersia akibat titik-titik nila
Biar hujan batu turun selebat tengkujuh
Selagi kami mampu semangat tak pernah lumpuh
Selagi ada tubuh untuk kamu aku memburuh
Usaha yang aku bubuh semua petir tiada guruh
Hatiku tetap hanya padamu
Keranamu aku berdiri
Tanpamu cita-cita hanya kekal sebagai mimpi
Semuanya bermula dari sini
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Demi negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Ini untuk kamu yang terima undi aku
Try'na change the world, bagi dunia suara baru
Ini bukan negara aku, ini negara kita
Buat je cara kita
Buat je cara kita
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ini negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Ini untuk kamu yang terima undi aku
Try'na change the world, bagi dunia suara baru
Ini bukan negara aku, ini negara kita
Buat je cara kita
Buat je cara kita
Negaraku
Negaraku - Joe Flizzow, Altimet, Sonaone, Faizal Tahir
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ini negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Kalau kata itu kota, kami bina tamadun
Lihat rangkap-rangkap pantun hidup beratus tahun
Bangkit seribu perwira selamat sejuta insan
Gelap dalam matahari insan juga bisa insaf
Mana cerita panglima yang wujud benar
Awang hitam kaji awan putih bila belayar
Hamba keliling dunia tuannya yang terkenal
Nak merdeka di jasad, harus bebas di akal
Hatiku tetap hanya padamu
Keranamu aku berdiri
Tanpamu cita-cita hanya kekal sebagai mimpi
Semuanya bermula dari sini
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Demi negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Dan dari 57, jalannya telah disuluh
Bangkit seakan subuh rebung dilentur buluh
Terus ke 63, kami menjadi kita
Jangan dipersia akibat titik-titik nila
Biar hujan batu turun selebat tengkujuh
Selagi kami mampu semangat tak pernah lumpuh
Selagi ada tubuh untuk kamu aku memburuh
Usaha yang aku bubuh semua petir tiada guruh
Hatiku tetap hanya padamu
Keranamu aku berdiri
Tanpamu cita-cita hanya kekal sebagai mimpi
Semuanya bermula dari sini
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Demi negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Ini untuk kamu yang terima undi aku
Try'na change the world, bagi dunia suara baru
Ini bukan negara aku, ini negara kita
Buat je cara kita
Buat je cara kita
Negaraku
Negaraku
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ku beri sepenuhnya
Ini negaraku
Oh darahku
Hiduplah sepenuhnya
Dirgahayu semua
Ini untuk kamu yang terima undi aku
Try'na change the world, bagi dunia suara baru
Ini bukan negara aku, ini negara kita
Buat je cara kita
Buat je cara kita
Negaraku
Negaraku - Joe Flizzow, Altimet, Sonaone, Faizal Tahir
Wednesday, 22 March 2017
Ar Riah
Ar Riah
wind.
cool, soothing, wind.
heavy, thundering, wind.
a wind that can sing a song from a nightingale and whistles a calm tune for the sad folks,
a wind that can hum a lullaby of goodbye before it struck down to paint a destructive side, for the happy folks.
Wind,
like the minute strands of a horse mane,
riding gaily, steadily, thunderously,
through whatever circumstances,
it flies,
wind.
Unexpected,
hated,
loved,
missed,
loathed,
for the meaning it brought with it.
Wind,
never restrained,
never refrained,
always determined.
Wind,
absolute and indefinite.
Wind,
to be thinking of you,
because of the few verses in the holy book,
to such an extent,
where even the greatest of Creator thought of you,
thus,
how can i not ponder over the invisible strands of you,
all around,
over the seas,
and back among nimble fingers.
Like an oasis,
your existence exist.
An existence that exist.
Ar Riah.
wind.
cool, soothing, wind.
heavy, thundering, wind.
a wind that can sing a song from a nightingale and whistles a calm tune for the sad folks,
a wind that can hum a lullaby of goodbye before it struck down to paint a destructive side, for the happy folks.
Wind,
like the minute strands of a horse mane,
riding gaily, steadily, thunderously,
through whatever circumstances,
it flies,
wind.
Unexpected,
hated,
loved,
missed,
loathed,
for the meaning it brought with it.
Wind,
never restrained,
never refrained,
always determined.
Wind,
absolute and indefinite.
Wind,
to be thinking of you,
because of the few verses in the holy book,
to such an extent,
where even the greatest of Creator thought of you,
thus,
how can i not ponder over the invisible strands of you,
all around,
over the seas,
and back among nimble fingers.
Like an oasis,
your existence exist.
An existence that exist.
Ar Riah.
Saturday, 18 February 2017
It's too much
This life.
This world.
This year.
This month.
This week,
This day.
It's too much,
By too much, I mean this -
We're supposed to live until the time comes and when the time comes is when none of us have any knowledge of. Till that day, all of us wish to live to the fullest, with different meanings, interpretations and ways on what 'the fullest' means.
It doesn't matter.
We are all entitled to live the way we want to live. A gift of a brain. A gift to think. A gift of choice. To each, a gift.
What matters is the question of how do i live to my level of fullest.
How do I decide on the path of my life that leads to the fullest when the road keeps changing here and there. The more I walk, the more it change,
How do I know how to act, talk, eat, sing, choose, paint, write, to the fullest.
Will it be meaningful enough if i decide to just do anything with hope that it'll lead me to a life of glory?
Hanging thoughts, let's keep it here.
This world.
This year.
This month.
This week,
This day.
It's too much,
By too much, I mean this -
We're supposed to live until the time comes and when the time comes is when none of us have any knowledge of. Till that day, all of us wish to live to the fullest, with different meanings, interpretations and ways on what 'the fullest' means.
It doesn't matter.
We are all entitled to live the way we want to live. A gift of a brain. A gift to think. A gift of choice. To each, a gift.
What matters is the question of how do i live to my level of fullest.
How do I decide on the path of my life that leads to the fullest when the road keeps changing here and there. The more I walk, the more it change,
How do I know how to act, talk, eat, sing, choose, paint, write, to the fullest.
Will it be meaningful enough if i decide to just do anything with hope that it'll lead me to a life of glory?
Hanging thoughts, let's keep it here.
Tuesday, 17 January 2017
Enraptured
We are living in a world of uncanny love.
A word of false pretense.
For the loved, lover and love giver.
A love that hid beneath a mask of perfections.
Perfections that come in the form of a porcelain face, a charming smile, a melodious voice, a talent to become one with the rhythms of the world, the ability to weave a world through words, wealth, glamour, a physique that enthralls.
A love that leaves nothing to the loved, lover and love giver.
Nothing but loneliness.
Loneliness upon realizing that amidst the laughter and tears,
as the sun sets and the moon that glows with the glow of the sun arise,
a meaningful life moves one more step away from the seeker.
An uncanny love.
A love where the brain becomes intoxicated with illusions.
Illusions that causes one to forget its own origins.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
A love that taints love.
A love that gives out the imagery of a wilted flower.
A flower,
once so beautiful,
so elegant in its creation,
holy water was given,
water the flower they did,
never missing a beat,
little did they know that,
a flower do not simply live by water,
sunlight, carbon dioxide, pure affection, tender care,
not the obsessive caress nor kiss they keep giving,
day by day, the color drains,
but the water keeps coming,
the uncanny love keeps coming,
they just don't care do they.
As the flower dies another grows,
as a replacement.
A replacement for the idolaters of uncanny love.
A word of false pretense.
For the loved, lover and love giver.
A love that hid beneath a mask of perfections.
Perfections that come in the form of a porcelain face, a charming smile, a melodious voice, a talent to become one with the rhythms of the world, the ability to weave a world through words, wealth, glamour, a physique that enthralls.
A love that leaves nothing to the loved, lover and love giver.
Nothing but loneliness.
Loneliness upon realizing that amidst the laughter and tears,
as the sun sets and the moon that glows with the glow of the sun arise,
a meaningful life moves one more step away from the seeker.
An uncanny love.
A love where the brain becomes intoxicated with illusions.
Illusions that causes one to forget its own origins.
Who am I?
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
A love that taints love.
A love that gives out the imagery of a wilted flower.
A flower,
once so beautiful,
so elegant in its creation,
holy water was given,
water the flower they did,
never missing a beat,
little did they know that,
a flower do not simply live by water,
sunlight, carbon dioxide, pure affection, tender care,
not the obsessive caress nor kiss they keep giving,
day by day, the color drains,
but the water keeps coming,
the uncanny love keeps coming,
they just don't care do they.
As the flower dies another grows,
as a replacement.
A replacement for the idolaters of uncanny love.
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